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Nov. 23rd, 2006 @ 12:59 pm
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Anyone able to do something tonight I'm not working and bored. I want to leave the house. Anyone? |
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I'm not going into it right now and most of you here know what upset me tonight. I wanted to thank everyone who was there for me tonight when I really needed it. Krystal, Cory, Shannon, Jarrod, and Dayvin you guys helped a lot and I thank you. I'm tired now and I'm not really thinking strainght so I'll just have to end this here. Thanks again I'm glad to have you all.
Peace |
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I give up. I just do. I can't win and the game has never been fair. I'm tired of trying to live up to my standard for myself when its never good enough for anyone else. The point is I want to degrade myself to the point where no one can stand to look at me anymore. I can't change the way I look no matter what. I'll never be 5'9". I don't have a models body. I'm me and it hurts to be told that I'm everything that you would want in a boyfriend except I'm just not attractive. Which means that looks truely do count for everything. All that I was taught is a lie. Chivalry is dead. I try for the little things holding a door, offering a hand up or down a step, handing you my jacket when your cold. It all falls on deaf ears. I guess I can never be the asshole of your dreams. You don't even allow me to be the friend you alwasy insisted you be to me. So fuck it. |
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Today didn't suck but it was a nice hit to my pride. I had to ask my mom for money. So I can pay rent and my other bills. It sucked because I always hated that my brother just put his bills on my mom and now I'm doing the same thing. Besides that it didn't completely suck. I'm doing well in my classes from what I can tell I think there maybe a mistake in my Psych grade since we had 2 tests I got an 86 and an 88. So a B. We also did a paper which I got an A on. Thats all we have done yet my average for the class as of today is an 86. How does that happen? Even if its participation and I got a bare minimum of a 90 on my paper I should be above 86. O well. In my Biostat class however I'm getting a 96 and that probably won't go down to much in the last half of the semester. My other classes I'm only worried about math as usual becasue I have no clue how I am doing. I should definatly be off of academic probation after this semester. I've also joined Amnesty International at Parkside. I was in it for a time in high school and am glad to be doing it again. I'm going to be okay I need to believe this right now. I have people who are there to help and I'm grateful for them. I love you all.
Peace
Oct. 25th, 2006 @ 06:28 pm
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| » And as they say heres to oblivion |
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I have my Safe Haven interview today at one oclock. I'm not sure how it will go because I don't have new letters of recommendation so I'm going to give her the old ones I have and hope for the best. No matter what I'm going to a job fair on Saturday to turn in an application for TCF bank I tried to turn it in yesterday but they said it would be better to do it there. I'll stay there for about an hour or two and try to get a good job. After that I'm going to DQ to help Ellen with painting the store. I figure why not I told her I would help when I could if she asked me. I hope to get a new job by he end of next week. I need to get more air in my car tires because its a little low in the front right tire and the back two. I'm probably not going to PPS tonight because appearantly Longway is coming tonight and I don't think I should go. I think Ashley should go because it might be interesting for her. I think that if I go I wouldn't enjoy it. It seems like I would be left out because Ashley usually doesn't talk to me much at PPS and Roberto will probably be more interested in Longway. I need to remember to pay my cell phone bill soon because it'll be due soon. I have two events that are coming up that I want to attend. The first is the free screening of An Inconvienient Truth at the Parkside Cinema on Monday. Also PPS has a debate on the death penalty that I would like to attend and my mom would probably like to come as well.
As you could guess but the time mentioned this was written earlier. I went to my interview and besides that I don't have the letters I need I think it went pretty well. I was told that my letters didn't have to be from employers specifically so I asked my mom to ask Denise and Paul to write one for me. I'm also going to go to Walden tomorrow to see Steve to see if he will redate his letter so I can still use it. Besides that though I think it went really well. But only time will tell and hopefully I'll be able to get a job at the job fair at the very least. Man I don't want to have to move out I'm used to it here and all of the bull I have to put up with.
Peace
Oct. 19th, 2006 @ 06:50 pm
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Something has changed Ashley probably doesn't see it but she is usually in her own problems. But it has. I notice it in the way she now talks to me how dhe looks at me and what she says. This is exactly what I didn't want to happen. She decided to she has to be on guard around me and put up an act. That is the last thing I want her to do. I'll ignore what I feel and move on but I don't want her to change. I've always been honest with her and told her what was on my mind whne I was asked but now she feels she can't be honest with me. If thats the way she feels she has to act I will have to say goodbye and and hurt her horribly and myself even more. But i don't want a friedn that feels they have to guard me from them thats not friendship. I wanted to talk to her about it today but she was upset about school so I couldn't because it would upset her even more.
I don't know what I want form life anymoreI used to have a plan, a reason, a purpose to continue. I've lost that. Recently I've just wanted to disgrace myself so badly that I would be shuned and rejected by everyoneso I would have no more ties anymore and I could die alone and cold in a dark pit. I've needed to be outside more often recently it allows me the solitude of my thoughts. They generally aren't happy ones but when I'm told I'm not acting "like myself". People make e feel like I'm only around because they have a use for me. I'm seeing myself become a tool and I'm not allowed my emotions. I thought I found someone who accepted my myriod of flaws and allowed me to talk openly about them. I appearently took that for granted because now that one person feels that they can't do that with me.
All my roads in life are vacant I walk all paths alone.
Peace
Oct. 18th, 2006 @ 11:47 pm
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| » Your standing on my neck |
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So currently I'll call my life chaotic ar best. Most of my time is spent thinking about pretty much what was written in my earlier entry so I'll skip that stuff since I know that if anyone still reads this they are tired of my sob stories. If you want that watch a soap. Anyway I've been feeling confined as of late probably because I rarely leave the house much anymore for me. Its always for school or something so I'm getting a bit stir crazy. I'm usually not comfortable with my day until I spend at least 15 mins outside. It gives me a great time to think things through which I need to do recently. I've started a psuedojournal during these times in which ever notebook is most handy. I used to do it a lot a few years ago but this time I'm going to post at least excerpts of my enties. I've done most of them so far on Myspace usually under prefered list or private. Anyway I think this is good for me and its helping wprk through issues that need to be worked. I miss a lot of people and I understand that your busy but I'm almost alone here. Sometimes I just want to sit around and talk to Shannon,Cory, Abbey, or J. Even if its only for a little while I miss you guys. Anyway that is the first part I have one of my journal entries to come later tonight for now I'm going to eat my spoon full of peanut butter and watch another episode of Daria.
Peace
Oct. 18th, 2006 @ 10:53 pm
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| » We might as well be strangers in another town |
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I really wish I hadn't let Ashley read that. She knew how I felt and decided to ignore it but she insisted on reading a myspace thing I set to private so I let her. She didn't want to read it because then it was staring her in the face. I want her as a friend is it wrong that I'm attracted to her also. Now she is talking about how she can't tell me things that she used to. I don't want anything to change if I did I would have triedto change them. What am I supposed to do try to ignore it so she is more comfortable and myself feel awful, acknowledge it and make her uncomfortable, or just walk away and lose someone who has become one of my best friends and not look back. There is no easy answer to this and I hate the outcomes of all of them. I wish I didn't feel likethis I really do. Emotions complicate life far to much. I keep seeing things that seem like signals but they aren't I'm just seeing things I wish were there. I wish I was graduating so then I wouldn't have to be here and I could walk away from it all. I need to get out and do something that eases my mind. I have to go to class now and deal with seeing her at school.
Peace
Oct. 18th, 2006 @ 08:02 am
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